For years, I couldn’t understand why I kept sabotaging my own progress. Every time I moved closer to something I deeply wanted—success, love, inner peace—I found a way to derail myself. I’d procrastinate on important goals, settle for far less than I knew I deserved, or convince myself I wasn’t ready. To others, it might have looked like fear or even laziness. But deep down, it was something far more profound: survival. It wasn’t until I began to unravel the patterns of my past that I realized how deeply my subconscious was trying to protect me. Old wounds, unhealed traumas, and limiting beliefs I had unknowingly carried for years shaped the way I viewed the world and my place in it. My self-sabotage wasn’t random; it was a misguided attempt to keep me safe from potential pain. The real challenge wasn’t just breaking those patterns—it was learning how to rewrite the story I told myself about who I was and what I deserved.
My Story: Sabotage Rooted in Childhood
Growing up with a narcissistic mother profoundly shaped how I viewed myself and the world around me, leaving an indelible mark on my sense of worth and identity. In our home, success wasn’t celebrated—it was dismissed, as though achievements were meaningless. Dreams weren’t encouraged—they were belittled and treated as foolish fantasies. Every achievement I reached for was either downplayed, ignored, or overshadowed by her indifference. Whenever I felt proud of something, it was met not with joy or acknowledgment, but with biting criticism or cruel comparisons that left me questioning my value. Any idea I dared to share was quickly labeled as silly, unrealistic, or selfish, making me feel like my thoughts and aspirations were inherently flawed.
It wasn’t just her words—it was the way she made me feel, deep down to my core: that I was never enough, no matter how hard I tried. No matter what I achieved or how much effort I poured into trying to impress her, it seemed as though her approval was always out of reach, an unattainable goal. And so, for years, I found myself chasing the impossible—trying to earn love from someone who didn’t know how to give it, no matter how desperately I longed for it.
Without even realizing it, I absorbed her voice as my own, internalizing her harsh judgments and criticisms. I became the one who minimized my dreams, cutting myself down before I even had a chance to try. I convinced myself not to strive for more because I’d surely fail, and I held myself back out of fear and self-doubt—keeping my light dimmed and my potential untapped, as though I didn’t deserve to shine in the first place.
The Wake-Up Moment
My breakthrough came with a powerful and deeply personal realization: I was chasing the approval of someone who could never truly be satisfied, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. In pursuing this unattainable validation, I was slowly, almost imperceptibly, losing myself and the unique person I was meant to be.
It became profoundly clear—I had a critical choice to make: remain stuck in a never-ending, exhausting pursuit of validation that would never come, or take the brave step to break free and finally reclaim my sense of self-worth and identity.
I chose to prioritize myself.
And in making that decision, everything in my life began to change in ways I could never have imagined.
Why Self-Sabotage Is a Trauma Response
Self-sabotage isn’t simply about a lack of willpower; it’s often deeply rooted in unresolved trauma and past experiences. If you grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment, where you were repeatedly told—whether explicitly or through subtle, unspoken signals—that you’re not enough, your brain naturally adapts to internalize and accept that belief as truth.
Over time, this can lead you to unconsciously associate success or happiness with fear, rejection, or even punishment. As a protective mechanism shaped by past pain, you may begin to undermine anything that feels too good, too significant, or too unfamiliar, pushing it away without fully realizing why.
The good news is, you are no longer that powerless child. Today, you have the ability and the power to rewrite your story and choose a new path forward.
How I Started Overcoming Self-Sabotage
Here are the mindset shifts and tools that helped me—and can help you too:
1. Recognize Whose Voice You're Hearing
That persistent and nagging inner critic you often hear? Chances are, it isn’t truly your own voice speaking. More often than not, it belongs to someone else who, at some point in your life, planted seeds of doubt deep within your mind. For me personally, it was my mother’s words, echoing over and over again in my thoughts like a familiar refrain. Once I finally learned to identify and recognize her voice for what it was, I was able to separate her fears, insecurities, and projections from my own truth and beliefs.
2. Start Small and Celebrate Everything
Growing up, I was often conditioned to downplay my achievements and taught to minimize the value of my successes. To change this deeply ingrained habit, I made a conscious effort to start celebrating every small victory—whether it was setting a firm boundary, completing even the smallest task, or finding the courage to speak up in situations where I felt silenced. This simple yet transformative practice gradually became a powerful and essential way to rebuild my confidence and recognize my worth in everyday moments.
3. Practice Radical Self-Validation
You don’t need external validation to measure your worth or define your value. Instead, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself: Am I proud of this? Does this align with the person I’m becoming and striving to be? In the end, that’s what genuinely holds significance and truly matters most.
4. Set Boundaries with the Past
You can’t begin to heal while remaining in the same environment that caused your pain and contributed to your struggles. Sometimes, the most compassionate and courageous act of self-love is to create healthy emotional distance—even if that means taking the difficult step of distancing yourself from toxic relationships, including those with family members such as your mother, who may be a source of ongoing hurt or negativity.
5. Reframe the Fear
Fear is often your nervous system replaying past events and experiences, drawing on old memories, rather than accurately forecasting or predicting what might actually happen in the future. I began consistently reminding myself, over and over again: This discomfort signals growth and progress, not actual danger or harm, and it’s a natural part of moving forward.
6. Get Support
Therapy, coaching, and community play a deeply vital role in fostering personal growth and self-discovery. You don’t have to face this challenging journey or navigate these experiences entirely on your own. Healing in welcoming, supportive, and empowering spaces can profoundly accelerate and strengthen your transformation in meaningful ways.
You Deserve to Succeed
If my story resonates with you, hear this: you are not broken—you are healing. The very fact that you’re here, reading these words, seeking clarity, and striving to grow, is proof that the cycle is already beginning to break. Every small step you take, every question you ask, and every moment of reflection you allow yourself is a sign of strength and transformation.
You no longer need to prove your worth to those who refuse to see it. Their inability to recognize your value is not a reflection of who you are or what you’re capable of. You’ve spent enough time seeking validation from others; now is the time to turn inward and recognize your own inherent worth.
You have the power to define what success means to you—and to celebrate it unapologetically. Success does not need to mimic someone else’s journey, and your achievements, no matter how big or small, deserve recognition. Give yourself permission to honor the progress you’ve made and the courage it takes to keep moving forward.
Because the only person whose approval truly matters is the one who’s been waiting for it all along: you. The voice inside you, the one asking for compassion and acceptance, is the voice that deserves to be heard. Let that approval come from within, and let it guide you toward the peace and joy you’ve been seeking.
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