Do you ever catch yourself procrastinating on something truly important to you? Or maybe distancing yourself from others just when things are going well? You’re not alone. These behaviors might be signs of self-sabotage.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage happens when you unknowingly hinder your own progress, happiness, or personal growth. It often stems from deep-seated fears, self-doubt, or limiting beliefs shaped by past experiences—particularly those involving trauma, neglect, or emotional invalidation.
For years, I didn’t realize I was sabotaging myself. I assumed I was simply making bad decisions or not trying hard enough. In reality, I was trapped in survival patterns I hadn’t even recognized.
My Journey: Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage
For years, I unknowingly sabotaged myself—both in my career and personal relationships.
In my professional life, I often found myself on the brink of big opportunities, only to pull back at the last moment or downplay my abilities. I convinced myself I wasn’t ready, or that someone else deserved the spotlight more. Deep down, I was afraid—afraid of standing out, of being noticed. Growing up, being seen never felt safe.
In relationships, I gravitated toward emotionally unavailable partners, or I’d create conflict whenever things felt too good to be true. I overextended myself, sacrificed my own needs, and became a people-pleaser in an attempt to maintain harmony. But there was no real peace—just a repeating cycle of behaviors I didn’t yet understand.
It wasn’t until I began deep inner work that I uncovered the truth: this wasn’t misfortune—it was self-sabotage. I had absorbed the critical voice of a narcissistic mother who dismissed my dreams and belittled my accomplishments. Over time, her voice became my own. I spent years trying to win approval from someone who would never give it.
The turning point came when I learned to separate her voice from my own. For the first time, I saw the truth: I wasn’t unworthy—I had simply been conditioned to feel that way.
How Self-Sabotage Can Sneak Into Your Everyday Life
Self-sabotage isn’t always easy to spot. Here are some common ways it might show up:
1. Procrastination
Delaying important tasks, often driven by fear—whether it’s fear of failing or succeeding.
2. Perfectionism
Setting impossibly high standards that lead to burnout, inaction, or avoidance.
3. Negative Self-Talk
Allowing that inner critic to undermine your confidence and question your worth.
4. Pushing Others Away
Sabotaging meaningful relationships out of fear of vulnerability or rejection.
5. Overcommitting & People-Pleasing
Saying yes when you really mean no, often to avoid conflict or disapproval.
6. Avoiding Opportunities
Turning down chances to grow because success feels intimidating or unfamiliar.
7. Creating Chaos
Unintentionally stirring up conflict or instability when things start going well.
Why We Self-Sabotage: The Impact of Trauma
Trauma—particularly emotional trauma experienced during childhood—can rewire the brain to anticipate disappointment, rejection, or chaos. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk highlights in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma isn’t just a memory; it resides within the body, profoundly influencing how we respond to stress, happiness, and even success.
If love in your life was conditional, your achievements were overlooked, or your needs were consistently unmet, you might come to associate success or tranquility with risk. Your nervous system remains on constant guard, working to protect you by keeping you small.
This is why self-sabotage isn’t a sign of laziness or failure. It’s a survival strategy born out of experience. But living in survival mode isn’t sustainable for the long haul.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Take your first steps toward change:
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🧠 Recognize the Pattern: Pay attention to moments when you’re distancing yourself from what truly matters to you.
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🗣 Challenge the Inner Critic: Ask yourself, Whose voice is this? Is it genuinely mine, or a reflection of someone else’s judgment?
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🧾 Journal Your Thoughts: Write down your limiting beliefs, then counter them with empowering truths.
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❤️ Embrace Self-Compassion: Replace judgment with curiosity. Remember, you’re in the process of unlearning years of ingrained patterns.
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🔐 Establish Boundaries: Safeguard your energy by distancing yourself from those who perpetuate old wounds.
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💬 Seek Support: Whether through therapy, coaching, or community, find resources that help you address deep-rooted barriers and rewrite harmful narratives.
Final Thoughts
Healing from self-sabotage isn’t about fixing something that’s broken or flawed—it’s about realizing and embracing the fact that you’ve been doing your best to protect yourself in the only ways you knew how at that time. It’s a process of shifting perspectives, not an indictment of your worth or a sign of failure.
When I finally let go of trying to earn love from someone who couldn’t offer it, I redirected that energy inward. I began to focus on myself, rewriting the narrative I had long believed and starting to intentionally build a life that was rooted in my truth, my values, and my desires—not the expectations, stories, or judgments imposed on me by others. That shift changed everything.
You possess the same strength and the same power to do the exact same thing.
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